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Validating volatile and avoidant couples

Unless those reasons have gone, they can miss you all they like but it doesn’t change the issues in your relationship.

Part of the reason why we look for validation from our exes and wonder if they still care about us is because we are in pain, we likely haven’t moved on, and we like to think that our exes are also in pain and that they haven’t moved on.

Too many people think that love and care is being chased around and having the power to change someone and galvanise them into being better by withdrawing yourself. It’s the old adage – you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.

True…but what people always forget is this: While we often don’t know what we’ve got till it’s gone, even when we do realise how great/valuable/lovable a person is and what a huge mistake we may have made, in having some level of connection to ourselves, we may also realise that not only are we not capable of being and doing what that person wants from us, but that they may also be too good for us.

Control isn’t a word that a lot of people like to hear but a large part of why we get sucked into wanting affirmations of the other person’s care is that we want to control them, which in turn distracts from ourselves.

If they’re caring about us in the way that we deem appropriate then it will feel like we still have some sort of emotional tie to them.


  1. Hostile-engaged Tactic criticize and defend High levels of overt conflict One partner complains and criticizes and the other partner responds defensively Neither.

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