For she, like countless other middle-aged divorcees, has found the world of internet dating — of which Tinder leads the field — to be a tawdry, loveless, moral abyss.
In fact, she’d be the first to warn any married woman secretly thinking the grass might be greener on the other side to stay firmly where she is.
He pointed out that we were no more than a couple of minutes apart.‘On my lunch break,’ he messaged. After my alarming start, I decided I’d have to play detective to stay safe.
So when super-muscled Dave popped up, saying he was a member of an elite Army regiment on a secret mission to the Middle East, I decided to do some digging.
I began the week being ‘wooed’ by a ‘suitor’ who called himself Firm Hand. Will she ever experience that thrill of eyes meeting across a crowded bar?
His profile picture showed a stool painted with the words: ‘The Naughty Spot.’ His ideal Tinder date, he revealed straightaway, was a ‘strict auntie’ to give him a ‘guiding hand’. I was two weeks and hundreds of swipes in, and I’d still not had a single, genuine date with an honest man. As I kept swiping, it became clear that the more mature men of Tinder fall into a few distinct categories.
Earlier this month, it was reported that the four-times divorced actress Patsy Kensit, 49, had added her name to the dating pot.
To Claire, it sounded like a different world; a sweet shop filled with thrills and excitement, all available at her fingertips. Sadly, six months later, Claire would do anything to be back in the marital home, listening for the sound of her husband’s key in the door.
Meanwhile at Shoreham College, West Sussex, earlier this year girls were stopped from wearing bras that could be seen under their school shirts.A few hours later, I got my first match — one of the men had liked me back.Mike, a 49-year-old mechanic, cut straight to the chase. I quickly ducked below the window and turned off my phone.A man named Paul claimed to be an injured body builder, yet he seemed baffled when I decided to call his bluff by asking about the technical details of his diet plan. Spending a lonely old age in front of the TV began to seem rather inviting.Over my time on Tinder, I found that the more I swiped, the more fussy I became. By a process of elimination, I realised my ideal man was a Paul Hollywood lookalike in a management position or running his own business.The school had previously warned girls about wearing tight trousers, but it had never before had to discipline the boys.The school said in a statement: 'A small number of boys have been warned for wearing trousers which are tapered below the knee, 'skinny' fit or jean-style trousers with rear patch pockets.'It is not all the boys, just a small number of them.'Skinny-fit' trousers have been banned from lessons at a school because they are too tight-fitting.Teachers at Downlands Community School, Hassocks, West Sussex, banned the fashion items worn by celebrities such as Russell Brand, after pupils started wearing them in the classroom.The arbitrary way in which I started to dismiss men shocked me — especially when I realised there were thousands of people out there doing the exact same thing to me. Window shopping, reducing fellow humans to a number of physical attributes on which we reject or pursue them? I tried to strike up a conversation with every man I matched with, but half never even responded.Others ‘ghosted’ me — not returning messages after we’d exchanged a few pleasantaries.