For once, I didn’t have to nervously direct this awkward dance. I remember that I was becoming increasingly concerned with what role I should play, still worried that he would come to the realization that I wasn’t his power top and stop the fun.
To preempt this, I started going over the gritty logistics at the worst possible time.
From the start he showed interest in me, allowing me to relax into the moment.
I could finally take a breath and enjoy this, instead of wondering what might make him leave.
When I open up to a guy about this, they always tend to look at me with this stunned, baffled, and bewildered stare.
I even had one guy suggest that I hadn’t yet had sex, that I was still a virgin.
The only worry that I want to have in my head is whether or not I’m waking the neighbors.
The desire for deliciously dirty, spontaneous sexual encounters is a deep-seeded one for me as a queer man with a disability.
I must tell my personal care attendant a story to explain why I’m having my “friend” over at this hour. The list continues and before I can even consider enjoying myself, I feel a pressure to meticulously plan, to make sure that everything falls perfectly into place.My disability has given me the ability to see how dangerously divisive and narrow the top/bottom dichotomy is in queer culture, but I am excited I get to challenge it.In fact, the best sex I ever had broke all the rules—even my own.The standards, rules, and regulations we have written for gay sex are inaccessible.I will never be a “100% top” because I am physically unable to, nor will I be a bottom because my spastic ass might castrate someone.With all this worrying, it’s nearly impossible to remember the whole point of sex: to have fun.All of this pre-coital planning has made me long for sex that doesn’t conform to any script or standard that is ultimately unattainable.When it came time to get out of my chair, I was ready with my lecture on proper lifts and was waiting to field any fearful questions he had.Before I could even say anything, he had lifted me up and firmly placed me on the bed—no questions asked.I want sex that isn’t based on a presumption that I “must be a bottom” because I don’t have the ability to thrust like a top “should.” I want the kind of sex that doesn’t start with risk analysis and signed waivers.I want to be taken out of my chair, ravaged and reveled in.